a thousand words surface in my mind
at the absence of your own

what you should be saying to me
turns into what i am saying to you

i should tell you
that you take me for granted
that you are lucky
i am not some alcoholic-whore
who is easier than the math homework
i did last night

i should tell you
you are so lucky
that drugs are not my way out
and do you how much it hurts to watch
someone you love kill themselves every day?
that would turn you off of drugs too

i should tell you
you make it worse
drinking killed him,
yet you continue to do it
haven't you learned anything?
or is it just different for you

i should tell you
my twisted idea of beauty
is better than yours anyday
because i won't force myself
where i don't belong
i just make a new place

i should tell you
how much i cry at night
because i am not beautiful
i am not pretty, or skinny
i am not what they want me to me
so my self-esteem has to come
from inside me,
not from the outside

i should tell you
that numbers do not define me
and you being proud of me
is not worth what it used to be
because fake pride
is worse than disappointment
and i love you
means so much less

i should tell you
that to you, i don't exist
unless i do something amazing
or am an artist
and for a few brief seconds
you brag about me to your friends
and then i disappear again

i should scream at you
for not understanding
for taking me for granted
for not realizing how lucky you are
for drinking
for yelling
and all the while not giving a damn
about the real me


but i don't.